Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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