I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
