I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
