This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
and you fell through a lawn chair
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize