Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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