I heard we made out
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That accounts for only three of the penises
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
