did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
being pregnant is like rehab
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
