So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
