Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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