He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
