Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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