If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
