I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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