According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
