people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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