Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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