I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
