I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
