My room smells like vodka and shame
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
