my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
