Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
this hospital has no fireball
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
