we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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