i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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