My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
