They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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