but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
