He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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