Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
