dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
