Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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