NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize