dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
