I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
