She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
