He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
