I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
