this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
