well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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