I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
