please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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