even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
