The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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