she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
