I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
