True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
