I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
