dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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