she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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