Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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