Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
