If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
