Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He better not be in your backpack
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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