he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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