What a fucking waste of an outfit
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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