I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
