All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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