the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
