i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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