you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
