Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
