you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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